Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Why I’m not important anymore

Well that’s just a ridiculous notion. Of course I’m important. If I’m not important to myself, then no one else is going to find me to be important either, right? Wow. That’s a lot of pressure to put on myself. I’m important. I have to be, or I won’t be. Huh? Well the sad fact is that I have not been treating myself as though I’m important. In the stress of a minor injury, being unemployed and severely cash strapped, I’ve given up a bit on myself. The most amazing part of this is that Daniel (my wonderfully amazing, and quite possibly the most generous caring man in the entire universe) still reminds me I’m important – he hasn’t given up on me, even when I’ve given up on myself. This downward spiral of self unimportance actually started before I lost my job and has snowballed out of control since then. I’ve got to find a way to take back control and find importance in myself.

I had a goal. I was going to train for and run in my first half marathon in the middle of October 2009. I was contemplating joining a local training group, which in and of itself, would have been a big deal for me. I was up to running about 5 miles. I wasn’t really losing weight, but I wasn’t terribly worried about my weight at this stage of the training. I was doing this for myself. I was focused on my goal. It was a very big deal to me to reach this, as I was, previous to setting this goal, feeling lost and with no direction. One night, I decided to make brownies for my boyfriend and my son as a surprise. I headed out to the trash can to dispose of the evidence (brownie box). When I opened the door, Daniel was standing right there! So, I hid the box behind my back, and in trying to be cute and evade him, ran with full force into a sprinkler head stuck in the upright position. Ouch! Broken pinkie toe. Are you kidding me? X-rays confirmed it and the doctor instructs me that there will be no running until January. I took it really hard. I started feeling sorry for myself and took a “f*** you” attitude towards eating and working out. This was about 4 months ago. I’m still stuck and am no longer impaired by my injury.

I lost my job due to the company’s relocation at the end of August. I knew it was coming and had been trying to start my own bookkeeping business. My selling point was to be: in this bad economy, it would be more cost effective to hire an independent contractor, than have an employee. I started working on my new business about 5 weeks to a month prior to the end of my employment. I sent out brochures, marketing letters and was in the process of writing a business plan in an attempt to secure a business loan. One Friday morning I got an email from an angel (a friend I had met during law school), stating that she believed I needed to be an attorney and if money was the only thing preventing me from finishing school, then she wanted to take that out of the equation. She offered to pay for the entire remainder of my law school education. Seriously? Who does that? There are people out there that selfless? More importantly, someone believes in me that much? Of course I wanted to finish law school, I just did not think it would ever be a possibility! This changed everything! Daniel, being the only other completely selfless person I’ve ever encountered in my lifetime, immediately jumped on board with his full support. We can do this he says! Money will be tight, but together we can do anything.

What we didn’t expect was the 6 week delay in my receiving unemployment benefits. Apparently, my previous employer told the EDD something different than the relocation as my reason for leaving, which triggered an eligibility interview. With the state of this economy and the high rate of unemployment, the soonest interview would be 6 weeks from when I lost my job. Great. This money situation has been very hard on Daniel and myself. I can completely see how finances could break up a relationship. The bond and relationship between Daniel and myself is so strong, we have been able to keep an open dialogue of our feelings, fears, etc. and continue to care for each other even during this time of excessive stress. I had the eligibility interview with EDD and as we expected, I was eligible to receive unemployment benefits. With that knowledge, I re-worked our budget and our money crisis is over!

In the midst of starting a new relationship, the stress of moving and reunifying my son with his father, moving, losing a job and feeling financial hobbled, and getting sidelined by the sprinkler, I have put on some weight (all which has happened in 2009), I have regained the 30 pounds that I lost in 2007. In December 2006, I joined Weight Watchers and by August 2007, had lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight of 125. One big factor back then is that I was not in a relationship. Honestly though, why should that matter? I have made several half hearted attempts to restart the Weight Watchers program. I last a few days, but generally not even an entire week, and I’m off the wagon. I make excuses for myself. “I deserve a beer after the day I had.” “It’s that time of the month and how could I be expected to resist my chocolate cravings?” “I’ll eat what I want.” (With that last one, picture a 2 year old stomping her feet, that’s me!) But I know that’s all they are: excuses. I am not making myself or my goals important, and because of that, I am not sticking to them. Then the circular battle begins. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. If I mess up one day, then in my mind, I’ve completely failed and I beat myself up. I stop trying. Then I feel like a loser because I’ve quit. Next, I ignore the situation for a while. “I’ve got too much on my plate to honestly consider adding weight loss to it.” More excuses, justifications to myself as to why I’m not following through. It’s a vicious cycle that isn’t getting me anywhere closer to reaching my healthy body weight. It isn’t getting me any closer to being able to fit into those beautiful suits I had tailored when I was at my goal weight.

So my toe is healed, I have been afforded the opportunity to return to and complete law school, and we have enough money to pay the bills. My life has direction. I have the love of the most amazing man I’ve ever known. So why then, am I still stuck? Why do I not find myself important enough to re-start the journey towards a healthy me? I want to. At least I think I do. I know I can do it. I’ve done it before.

I know I can do it. Why am I not doing it now?

I need to figure out something that will work for me. I don’t know what that is. I need to prove to myself that I’m worth it, that I am important enough to reach whatever goal I set for myself. I will start with small, bite-sized goals and reward myself for meeting those goals and be kind to myself if I fall short. I need to remind myself that no one is perfect, including me. I will fall short from time to time and when that happens, it’s not the end of the world and there is no reason to be so hard on myself.

Nothing good comes from berating oneself. Ever.

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October 15, 2009 - Posted by | Me, Weight Loss

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