Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Judgment Free Zone

Last year I got counseling from a relationship coach, named Jeanine Kaiser (an amazing woman who helped me tremendously, and I love her so much for all her help!), who worked with me in identifying what she called, the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee. Mine has gotten out of control in the last few months. What is the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee, you ask? It is the part of your brain that repeats negative ideas, concepts and affirmations, which serve no purpose other than to bring yourself down. It’s utterly useless. It’s self judgment in the most negative fashion. The IBSC (Itty Bitty Shitty Committee) sucks and mine has been screaming for way too long and way too loud. It’s time to get it to stop.

So what has mine been screaming? I’m a loser with no job. It’s my fault that we are broke and Daniel is going to resent me for it eventually, if he doesn’t already. He’s says he doesn’t, but how can he not be? Surely he’s not being honest with me or himself. I’m fat. My IBSC screams this almost nonstop. I’m lazy and am can’t lose weight. Losing weight right now is impossible, so just give up. I don’t deserve Daniel, I don’t deserve someone so amazing and wonderful to share my life with, I don’t deserve to be happy. Daniel is going to find someone better and not an emotional train wreck, and he’s going to leave me. Then I will be alone, like my step-mom said I should be.

Hmmm… I better deal with these individually. Because none of them are true. Not even a little bit.

I’m a loser with no job. Well, part of that is true. I don’t have a job. Dammit, not even that’s true. My job is to get through the rest of law school. I’m working toward a new career – one that I’ve wanted since junior high. I’m not a loser. I’m working towards a goal. I have the support of wonderful people around me. I have people in my life who love me and believe in me without fail. I am very lucky to have their love and support. I should love and support myself at least as much as they do.

It’s my fault that we are broke and Daniel is going to resent me for it eventually, if he doesn’t already. He says he doesn’t, but how can he not be? Surely he’s not being honest with me or himself. Wow. It is not my fault that the company I worked for relocated. In fact if it were my fault, I wouldn’t be eligible for unemployment, which I am. We are going through a financial struggle right now, but we aren’t broke. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. Our bills are getting paid. I’ve actually even shared these fears, negative thoughts Daniel and he is such an honest man. He has told me he doesn’t feel resentful, nor does he act that way. He’s completely supportive of my decision to return to and finish school. He’s told me that he loves me no matter what, and that he knows that our financial position is temporary. I believe and trust that. He’s told me that he feels this is worth it to get me through school. My IBSC must be working overtime to be imputing negativity to Daniel. Yikes! He’s not ever given my any reason to believe that he’s anywhere near resentful or that he’s being less than honest.

I’m fat. I’m lazy and can’t lose weight. Losing weight right now is impossible so just give up. Dang, my IBSC is hard core. I’m not fat. I’m heavier than I want to be, but it is within my power to change that. I’ve not been really trying or honestly making it a priority to get back to my goal weight. I am about 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I will not and refuse to give up. I can lose weight. I’ve done it before and will do it again. I need to make a plan and make it a priority. Losing weight is never an impossibility. A positive attitude and a plan is mandatory. I took a yoga class on Tuesday and am taking a boot camp type class tomorrow, so I’m on my way to a healthier me!

I don’t deserve Daniel, I don’t deserve someone so amazing and wonderful to share my life with, I don’t deserve to be happy. Daniel is going to find someone better and not an emotional train wreck, and he’s going to leave me. Then I will be alone, like my step-mom said I should be. I do deserve to be happy. I honestly have no idea why in any world that would ever be anywhere close to the truth. My step-mom is an unhappy person, and it was wrong of her to tell I should be single for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve to be alone. I deserve happiness, and I deserve this loving, wonderful, amazing man that found me was made for me and yes, 400%, yes, I deserve him! I am learning how to share my life with Daniel, and I love being able to do sharing and learning with him. The rest of these negative statements are completely irrational and not based in anything other than the insecurities that are being bred by my IBSC.

What would the world, or my, or your life be like if we made our heart and mind a judgment free zone? No negativity allowed! For every negative thought you had, you wrote it down – then took the time to write the truth, and more importantly took the time to really look at and believe the truth? What would that be like? Would we be that much happier, secure in ourselves and self-confident? You bet we would!

That’s what I intend to do as of right now! I’m shutting up my IBSC! I’m going to write down any negative thoughts and then look at what I just wrote, determine if it’s really true (it won’t be), and then write down next to that negative thought, the actual truth. I am going to use the truth as a positive affirmation!

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October 21, 2009 - Posted by | Me, Relationships, Weight Loss | , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. […] been just twisting in the wind. I’ve got no focus, no direction. And let me tell you, my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee has staged a successful coup, and are almost incessantly and very loudly screaming. Drowning out […]

    Pingback by Leaving the land of eternal funk « Beki's Blog | May 26, 2010 | Reply


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