Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Who Am I?

Am I:
• A wild child stuck in a non-adventurous, scared girl’s body & mind
• A stripper stuck in a normal girl’s body
• A runner stuck in a non-athletic body
• A lover stuck in a girl who’s been burned’s heart

We all have ideas of who we are and who want to be. But the reality of our actual life’s experiences can seem to get in the way. How the hell do we change that? One of my favorite quotes is: “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” I don’t know who to give credit to for that quote, but it has struck a chord and stayed with me. I want to change! So things have to change!

There is so much I want to do in my life and with my life. Right now I’m feeling limited by nothing more than my own fear. How about you?

I can give several examples of my being limited by fear, by my internal opposing desires. Here are a few:

I am in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He’s thoughtful, generous, caring and over the top sexy. My head is stuck back in the negative place of wondering why this incredible man loves me. When is he going to start behaving like my previous partners? He wants me to talk to him when I’m scared. He doesn’t ignore my fears and allow me to hold it inside. Ummm, what? There’s a man out there who does that? Yes, there is, and I am lucky enough to have his unconditional love. It’s scary to let someone love you like this when you are not used to being loved unconditionally. I do know this, regardless of all my learned instincts – I will not push this wonderful, beautiful, selfless man away. Being able to depend on him, and open up to him may be uncomfortable and may feel completely unnatural for me, but it is so worth it! Each day that we love each other and appreciate one another, is a day where the pre-existing fears fade further away, and let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling!

I want to try new activities. I’ve sort of been sheltered most of my life. No friend, partner or family member has ever supported me doing anything really. Especially anything that would be considered sporty or athletic. I want to try rock climbing (well, the indoor kind anyway), but I am terrified of heights. I want to try wakeboarding, but am terrified of looking stupid, being made fun of, or getting hurt when I fall. Hmmm, do we see a pattern here so far? Going on…

I want to learn how to strip – like really strip, on a pole. Not because I want to take my clothes off in some low class dive (or any public establishment) in front of men I don’t know, but because of the confidence boost it will give me to exude the raw sexuality of dancing around that pole in front of the man I love (and in case I need to reiterate, ONLY in front of Daniel). I want to learn how to do an inverted spin (where your body is upside down on the pole), but currently don’t have the upper body strength or the confidence to even try it right now.

Taking the pole dancing classes might have been one of the first activities I’ve done in a long time that I wasn’t sure if I would be good at it. I came to a very weird realization a few years ago: I don’t try new things unless I’m pretty confident I will be good at it. Or at least be okay with NOT being good at it (like bowling or playing pool). So trying the pole dancing classes was growth for me, but in the process lost the love of my parents, which was an unexpected consequence of my trying to promote my own self-growth. When I started taking classes at the local pole dancing studio (for fun and fitness), my parents somehow got it in their brain that I was actually trying to become a stripper. Now our relationship has become estranged. I’ve tried to explain to them that it is just fun and a confidence booster, but they refuse to listen and continue to be judgmental.

I want to run a marathon. I don’t really know why. I have run a few short races and done okay. I decided in July 2009 to start training for a half marathon. About two weeks into my training, I broke my foot, which put me out of running commission for 2 months. It took me until the end of August to really want to start running again. I was devastated that I had set a goal for myself of running a half marathon in October and because of one stupid malfunctioning sprinkler head colliding with my pinkie toe, I would not be able to attain that goal.

I have been struggling with the same 30 frigging pounds for the last 9 years. I get down to my goal weight, only to revert back to old eating behaviors and have the weight come right back. I met Daniel and put on about 20 lbs. I was already about 10 lbs more than I wanted to be when I met him, but then new love just sneaks right up on you. Daniel is sad because he said girls only lose weight after they aren’t with him anymore. I told him I’m not going anywhere ever. Plus, I’ve NEVER been able to lose weight in a relationship, so we are going to break some historical precedents here! His current girlfriend (that’s me!) is going to lose weight! I’m going to lose weight WHILE in a relationship! That’s a win-win situation!

I feel like I’m meant to do something big. To be an inspiration to people, to be a role model. I need to figure out how I’m going to fulfill this. Maybe it’s writing. What will I write? I decided at the beginning of the summer that I was going to start overcoming these fears. I decided that I would write about this process. Maybe write something about how to overcome fears. A journal of sorts combined with inspirational quotes, advice and some research. I’m sure there is a plethora of books on the market about overcoming fears. What about from the point of view of a normal girl who’s had normal experiences and is learning how to expand outside of her comfort zone and not from the point of view of a doctor, psychologist or other specialist? But from a regular, everyday person… yes, I may be on to something now.

One of the things that opened my eyes to how trapped inside myself I really was, was a comment Daniel said to one of his friends. He said I was “more of a watcher than a do-er.” Now keep in mind, he meant nothing malicious by this. He was being honest. I’ve always been happy to be the girl holding the flag in the boat, while everyone else water skis or wakeboards. I’m the person that takes the pictures or the video of other people doing things. I decided at that moment, I don’t want to live my life being a watcher. I don’t want to have my son see me live that way. I want to do things! New things. Things I may not be good at, or even like. My rule for my children has been, if you start something you have to finish it, but if you don’t like it then you never have to do it again! So now it’s time for me to try new things!

So what have I tried this year?
Canoed / Kayaked down the Russian River
Wakeboarded for the first time
Played a couple games on a co-ed softball team
Ran my first 5K
Took group exercise classes at the gym
Took a bootcamp class at 5:30am

Originally when I started writing this, I wanted to have tried 8 new things over the summer months. Rationale behind that was, 2 new things per month for the next 4 months, seemed like a goal that was attainable. Things happen (broken foot) and one must learn to be flexible and accommodating to our ever changing circumstances. I’ve looked back over the events of 2009 and see that I’ve tried 7 new things! These are things I’ve never done before and more importantly, activities that were outside of the comfortable little life I’d been hiding in, and activities that I didn’t know if I would like or be good at (which are the bigger issues for me)!

Daniel loves to snowboard. I am extremely adamant about Hudson trying new activities while he’s young and fearless. We decided the 3 of us would go up to Lake Tahoe and Hudson and I would both take snowboarding classes. I tried to snow ski once about 15 years ago, but never made it off the bunny slope and wasn’t with a person that was patient or understanding of a new learner. Daniel went off to his slopes after dropping Hudson and I off at our respective classes. I got on the boots and the clicked into the board. I was immediately uncomfortable. I tried listening to everything the instructor told me. My fear was too great and I wasn’t ready to overcome it. I could follow his instructions only when I was hanging on to his hands. After about 30 minutes I decided that I had had enough. I felt proud that I had tried it, but now looking back, I should have finished the lesson and not just given up. This was very early in the year. After all of the other things I’ve tried over the remainder of this year, this was really my first foray into getting outside of my comfort zone. As the year has progressed and I’ve tried more, my confidence level has increased and the fears are being eliminated!

Canoed / Kayaked down the Russian River
I always thought I would be terrified to be in a canoe or kayak but now thanks to Daniel, over the last summer I’ve now been in both! Not scary at all! Part of me knows that being with Daniel makes things less scary. I trust him implicitly. I don’t know that I’ve ever trusted any individual in my life the way that I trust him. It’s incredible to find out how much fun new activities can be! It is a little sad to realize how much I have missed out on by allowing myself to live inside this place of fear. I don’t have regrets though, we just go from here!

This was so scary for me! However, I was lucky to be with 3 of the most patient and supportive people there could ever have been! I learned that huge part of trying something new, especially something that is so far outside your comfort zone, is to ensure you are surrounded by people you trust, people who make you feel safe. Safe in the conventional sense, but also safe in the “it’s okay to not be the best and we love you regardless.” Safe. These wonderful individuals applauded me, cheered me on and after about a half dozen tries, I was up and wakeboarding! It was amazing! I will definitely do THAT again! This was a much more positive experience for me than the snowboarding. I didn’t give up! I kept trying until I got it!
Beki Wakeboarding!

Played on a co-ed softball team
In April, Daniel and I signed up for a co-ed softball team. I have never played a day of softball (on a team or just with a group of friends) in my life. Unfortunately, due to my broken foot, I was unable to play and they found another girl to take my spot. I still went to the games, and for some of them kept score. Keeping score has always been my job at softball games (being a watcher, not a do-er). Every game I was asked how my foot was and when would I be able to play. Then there was an additional turn of events. At the end of August, I was offered an amazing opportunity to finish law school! I had class on the same night as the games. However, there were a couple games that were after my Tuesday class and I played in those. So instead of a whole season, I played in 2 games. I didn’t do well and was nervous the entire time, but I still got out there. I think, if they want me, I will try for a full season next summer!

Ran my first 5K
After I broke my foot and was told by the doctor that I shouldn’t train for a half marathon until January, I was devastated. I took an “f*** you” attitude and stopped exercising all together or caring about what I ate. It has been difficult to get out of this funk and my foot has felt better for months now. At the beginning of November I weighed myself and I was 30 lbs over my ideal weight. Yikes! So I started journaling my food and started wearing my Actitrainer all the time to track my calories burned just in general and during workouts. I started working out. I have been feeling great! I decided one day on a bit of a whim to take our German Sheppard puppy, Bodega, for a walk. That walk ended up being a run (well I was running, he was walking…) and I ran just over 1.5 miles! That night on Facebook, Fleet Feet Shoes posted that there was going to be a 5K run on Sunday of the upcoming weekend. I decided at that time (3 days before the run) that I was going to do it! I’ve never run a 5K. I’ve done 3 3Ks (1.8 miles) and a 4 miler back in 2006, but I’ve never done a 5K. Sunday morning came, we packed up Bodega (our puppy) and drove to downtown Santa Rosa. I gave myself a goal of 42 minutes to finish. I had only run one time recently and that wasn’t even 2 miles. Daniel, who is unwaveringly my biggest cheerleader, looked at me and said, “I’ll see you in 38 [minutes].” I started my Runkeeper and off I went. The beauty of Runkeeper is that it can be set to give you stats at every mile. At the first mile “she” (Runkeeper talks in a female voice) told me I had been running for 11 minutes. Wow! I was 2 minutes faster than I expected. I felt like I was already slowing down, so I figured I was still on target for my goal. Mile 2 and I’d been running for 23 minutes, and at mile 3 I was at 33 minutes. I was proud of myself, but then started to panic. What if Daniel wasn’t at the finish line because I was a whole 5 minutes earlier than even he said?! I could feel my body getting exhausted, but I finished the race in 34 minutes and 10 seconds! Of course, Daniel was there taking pictures and cheering me through that finish line. I did it! There are two more 5K’s that I know about and plan on running before the end of the year. Next year I will conquer the 10K and the ½ marathon!

Took group exercise classes at the gym
I am so worried about not being good at things, or embarrassing myself that I shy away from activities that I may not be good at. That’s what this year has been about – breaking out of that fear. I have never taken a group exercise class. In the past month I’ve now taken my first ever yoga class and my first circuit training class. My only prior experience with yoga was from the Wii Fit. The circuit training class kicked my ass! I was all gross and sweaty. After the class, I went up and talked to the instructor to thank her. She asked me if this was my first class and then told me that I did very well, and she was impressed. Wow! I worry about looking like a fool and I’ve impressed the instructor?! Ya me!

Took a bootcamp class at 5:30am
Now I’m starting to gain confidence! I see something and think “I can do that!” rather than “Oh, I prolly wouldn’t be good at that, I might as well not try.” Let me tell you, it feels so much better to believe in myself! I am a fan of Twitter and one day I saw that a local company that runs a “boot camp” exercise program (which is way too expensive for me to afford right now) was offering a free session the next morning at 5;30am. Well, yikes that’s really early, but I wanted to try it! So I did! I got up and did it!

It’s so great to see for myself how far I’ve come in 2009. I’ve got more confidence in myself than I’ve had in a very, very long time. It feels great! I still have my moments when the negative (Itty Bitty Shitty Committee) gets to me, but the more new activities I try, the more confident I become in who I am, and the quieter that IBSC is getting!

I am not going to make resolutions for this upcoming new year. I have goals that I am going to achieve! Some I’ve already start working towards, so their completion will be in the next year, others are more new things that I want to try and push myself outside of my comfort zone! Believe me though, I will not be limiting myself to this list. This list is just a beginning, a jumping off point!

Goals for 2010!
Reach goal weight of 125 by February 28, 2010 – stay at that weight all year (& beyond, of course!)
Indoor rock climbing
Run 10K (6.2 miles)
Run ½ marathon
Do an inverted spin on my stripper pole
Take a kickboxing class
Write a novel (which I have started, not sure that it will be finished in 2010, but the goal is to keep working at it, no giving up!)
Hike up the back of Half Dome in Yosemite

Every day that I gain confidence in me, is a day closer to my knowing who I am! This journey is the most important one I can ever imagine being on! I am so grateful to having the love of my life and soulmate (Daniel), to share this with! He inspires me to be more, to be me, and to stay positive!

Who are you? What goals are you going to set for yourself?


November 18, 2009 - Posted by | Me | , , , , , ,


  1. I think you’re amazing honey and love getting to be part of your new life experiences. xoxo..

    Comment by Daniel Goodwin | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  2. […] is…) Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)2009: A Pivotal Year!Letter to my daughterWho Am I?2010 Goals Categories: Me, Shrinking Jeans, Weight Loss, triathlon Tags: cycling, fitness goals, […]

    Pingback by My Fitness Big 3 « Beki's Blog | March 11, 2010 | Reply

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