Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

2009: A Pivotal Year!

This has been by every interpretation of the phrase, a pivotal year for me! I started out 2009 with laryngitis and on a first date. I’ve ended this wonderful year knowing that my voice is being heard and with a man who is my last first date ever! I started this year stuck back in a career of accounting and am ending the year living out my dream of becoming a lawyer! I started this year raising Hudson all alone and have ended this year with Hudson having 2 positive male role models! I started this year continuing to be afraid of trying new things or getting outside of my comfort zone and I end this year training for my first ½ Ironman!

Top 10 events / memories that made this year pivotal for me and that have forever changed my life:

10: My ex-husband FINALLY taking an interest in Hudson’s life

As the year began, I was raising Hudson all on my own, wondering if I would be able to somehow find a male role model for him. Just a month later, Hudson’s dad got his shit together and got himself and Hudson into reunification counseling. He had been out of Hudson’s life completely for almost two of Hudson’s 5 years. (And he wasn’t very involved before that.) I honestly didn’t think that Hudson would recognize him. If you know me, you know that I would never let my disdain for my ex-husband be revealed to my beautiful and innocent son. I will never forget the day that Hudson saw his dad for the first time after nearly two years. I was sitting in the waiting room of the counselor’s office. Hudson was in the office with the counselor. The ex arrived and sat in the lobby with me. We made small talk. All of a sudden, I saw Hudson and he declared me, “We are coming out to look for my… DADDY!!!!” And with that he saw his dad and leapt into his lap. It was so touching and truth be told, my eyes welled up with tears. Now at year’s end, Hudson goes to see his dad every Tuesday for a few hours, every Thursday for an overnight and then every other weekend. He’s also gone to Michigan for a whole week to meet his dad’s side of the family (that was so emotionally difficult for me to be away from Hudson for 8 days).

9: Introduction to Facebook and Twitter

I didn’t even want to be on MySpace. My teenage daughter talked me into it back in 2005. Then friends from high school started finding me on MySpace. Crazy! Then, those same friends started telling me to go to FaceBook. I didn’t want to. I didn’t even really MySpace THAT much. I wasn’t going to be one of “those people.” I actually gave in to the peer pressure on New Year’s Day 2009. I was amazed at the number of El Molino friends were there! I was also surprised to find that one of my friends had posted pictures from our junior high and high school days! I decided it would be fun to join in! I have a scanner, so my sister came over and we spent an afternoon scanning and posting pictures! What a trip down memory lane! Now I’ve got friends and family on my FaceBook! I love that it helps me feel closer and more connected to those friends and family members that I don’t get to see regularly. I may now actually be one of “those people” that I said I didn’t want to be. The past year has seen me become completely addicted to social media! I FaceBook and Tweet on a regular basis. I would like to partially place blame on my iPhone (which I am so in love with still!), because this wonderful invention has made access to social media instant, easy and virtually constant! I have linked my Runkeeper to auto-post my activities to FaceBook and Twitter. My blog also auto-posts to Twitter.

8: Hudson starting Kindergarten

I’m still having difficulty with the fact that my son is almost 6 years old and can read now. He started Kindergarten this year, and we could not have gotten a better teacher! His teacher, Ms. Holtman has been teaching kindergarteners for 20 years (or more I think). She understands Hudson and is kind and patient with him. He’s strong willed and borders on defiant at times. It has also been an incredible experience to volunteer in the classroom every other week. I know what questions to ask Hudson about his day, I feel so much more involved. If you have a child in school, you know if you ask, “What did you do in school today?” you get short one word answers, or “Nothing” or “I don’t remember.” I know to ask about the morning message, board math and center time. I get to see how much the children have learned. I am so happy to have to opportunity to be a part of Hudson’s kindergarten year.

7: Spending time with my brother

I have not seen or heard from my brother (my only full sibling) in about 7 years. He didn’t know that I had another child. I’ve searched for him on MySpace and FaceBook, with no success. One day, in May (I know it was May because Daniel and I had just gotten our iPhones), I got an email through MySpace from my brother! I was overcome with emotion! He was in Humboldt and didn’t wasn’t ready to talk on the phone, so I tried to keep in touch via emails. He wasn’t very responsive. He told me he was overwhelmed by how accepting I was and how easy I would let him back in my life. My response, was, “Of course, you are my brother, why wouldn’t I let you back in?” However, this isn’t the typical response for our family. I finally got to see my brother for the first time on Thanksgiving. He stayed with Daniel and me for a couple of days. It was so nice! He came back while I was studying for exams and spent a day with Hudson and me. He also spent Christmas with us! It has been so nice to have him back! I look forward to getting to spend more time with him in the future!

6: Wakeboarding!!

This was probably one of the most fun yet physically scary things I did all year! It took patience and determination on my part and boat loads of patience and positive support from Daniel and Rich! But after about 10 or so tries I was up and wakeboarding! What fun! I kept thinking to myself, I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! I can’t wait to wakeboard again in 2010!

However, why this was pivotal for me was more than just wakeboarding. It’s about me trying new things. I recently realized that I have not tried a new activity if I wasn’t reasonably sure I would be good at it (no chance of failure), or if I thought there was a risk of being made fun of. One of the wonderful things about being with Daniel is that he allows me to feel safe. I feel safe to explore outside my comfort zone. A great example is riding a bike. I told him I had never ridden on a road (shared with cars) and I told him that I didn’t want to do that for a while. My first bike ride was exactly that – on a road I shared with vehicles. Which is a GREAT segway into my next topic!

5: Riding a bicycle after 20 years!

I’ve been wanting to do a triathlon for about 5 or 6 years now. However, I never really committed to training and I honestly thought that a full Ironman was the only triathlon that was available. A couple months ago, I found out about Sprint Triathlons and the other types of triathlons. I was so excited! Daniel and I decided to do a Sprint Triathlon in April 2010 (Sprint is .5 mile swim, 13 mile bike and 4 mile run). I worked up a training program and started riding the bike at the gym (as well as swimming and running). In mid-December I saw on Twitter that the registration for the Gran Fondo had opened and it was expected to sell out within the day. Daniel signed both of us up for the Medio Fondo (65 miles). Please keep in mind, as of that moment in time – I didn’t have a road bike (or any other type of bike), nor had I ridden a bike in about 20 years. Well, Santa (and by Santa, I mean Daniel) was VERY good to me and brought me a bike for Christmas! Daniel, my brother Josh, Hudson and I all went on a very short (1 mile) test ride on Christmas morning! The day after Christmas, Daniel took me on my very first real ride – we went 11.5 miles! It was amazing! Daniel is so supportive and I trust him implicitly! We had a great ride! Now it’s about me building up my confidence levels!

In connection with getting a bike, I made a commitment to get fit. I want to be in the best shape of my life! I want to be a triathlete! I found a great application on my iPhone called Runkeeper. I’ve tracked 130.41 miles on Runkeeper in 2009! Here’s the breakdown:

Running – 74.5 miles (47.4 miles in November and December)

Bike – 50.4 miles (all in December)

Swimming – 1.97 miles (all December)

Other (walking, hiking) – 3.54 miles

My commitment to getting fit has come in the last 2 months of the year, but I am committed! I am also going to get back down to my goal weight of 125 lbs in 2010!

4: Moving in with Daniel

I have never been so sure about anything as I have been about Daniel. Once we became “official”, we spent very few nights apart. In March I found out the rent was being raised in the apartment I’d lived in for the past 4 years. I had a decent paying job at the time, so I decided to look for another place to live. A house became available in Northern Santa Rosa and I moved in mid-April. By May, we moved Jasmine (Daniel’s cat) in and then he never spent another night away from me! He officially moved in, in July. I feel so blessed every day Daniel is in my life. We work very well together, we have a true partnership. I love living with him and sharing my life with him!

3: Finally learning what it’s like to be loved unconditionally

I started this year single. I was paying for (in a variety of ways) online personals. I went on a few unsuccessful first dates. I was going through some personal coaching with a relationship coach (Jeanine Kaiser – awesome!). I was working on finding my voice (literally and figuratively) and learning about who I really am and what I really want out of life. You see, I’ve spent my entire life pleasing everyone else and not focusing on what I really want. It was the worst with my parents. I feel bad because I have allowed this to happen. I had been too afraid of the repercussions if they knew who I really was, so I avoided any sort of unpleasantness and was just who I thought they wanted me to be. With the help of Jeanine and now having the love of Daniel, I’ve found out how important it is for me to be myself. I have learned that those who truly love me, are the ones who are still in my life, those who are there when I am not perfect and they just love me for how I am right now. Unfortunately during this process of self discovery, I’ve been estranged from my dad and step mom. My step mom has always been very judgmental and doesn’t understand nor trust the direction my life is taking. What I hope they someday understand, is that even though they are my parents, my life’s direction isn’t their choice, it’s mine and hopefully one day they will come to love me no matter what. Just as parents should.

2: Returning to law school

I was working as an accounting manager for a company I didn’t respect, but due to this economy was unable to make any career moves. In July I learned that the company was moving the office to Ukiah. That was too far for me to drive, so I was laid off. Daniel and I had discussed my starting a bookkeeping business and I immediately started trying to make plans and work towards starting my own business. About a week after I was laid off, and on a day I had planned to write my business plan, I got an email that completely changed my life. I need to back up a bit. When I started law school, I put a post out on a website for our school asking for assistance of a fellow law student with reading some of my practice exams. I only got one response, from a student 2 years ahead of me. She read and critiqued my exams for 2 years. Her name is Alison and I always appreciated her taking the time to read my exams, and her feedback was so helpful. She (as were most people) was disappointed when learning that I could no longer financially continue law school. Now back to the day where I received that life changing email. Alison emailed me, that her husband was dying (and he has since passed away) and she wanted to give me a full scholarship to finish my law school education. She believes in me that much, and is going to pay my tuition, books and even a bar review course! They say timing is everything. The semester had just started, so I spent that weekend getting books and catching up so that I could be in class. Daniel is so supportive and I knew this was going to be quite a change for all of us. I’ve now finished my first semester back, and passed the MPRE exam! I also applied for and got the internship position at the Public Defender’s office! None of this would have been possible without the complete selflessness of my angel, Alison, or the unwavering supportiveness of my dream man, Daniel.

1: Falling in love with Daniel

There is nothing this year, or any year before this that can ever be more pivotal than finding my soul mate. And that is exactly what Daniel is. We met for the first time back in 2006. We went on a lunch date. Call it bad timing – I had just had my heart broken and wasn’t ready to even be going on lunch dates. We talked over Yahoo Instant Messenger a few times over the last few years, but never about anything substantial. In 2007 my daughter was in a serious accident and we hired a lawyer to represent her. The lawyer happened to be a partner at the same office Daniel worked at. I saw him one evening while at a meeting with the attorney. I forgot how adorable Daniel was! I’d been single for a while, so I think my eyes were more open. I know my heart was healed and open. We started talking more on Instant Messenger. One day I needed to sign some final paperwork and the meeting was around lunch time. I asked Daniel if he wanted to have lunch with me. I was so nervous! I can honestly say that I fell completely in love with him during that lunch! I never believed that was possible. It is. Every day that we are together I fall in love more and more. I don’t know how that’s possible, because I already love him so much! He treats me with such love and respect. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. It is an honor to share my life with him! We will celebrate our 1 year anniversary at the end of February 2010! I look forward to celebrating many, many more!

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January 6, 2010 - Posted by | Me, Relationships | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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