Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Depression strikes

I am so depressed.  I just want to curl up in bed and hide.  I don’t want to go to class and I don’t want to make dinner or do dishes or study.  I just want to sit on the couch and veg in front of the television or go to bed and sleep.

The fact that my life is good and I intellectually feel like there is absolutely nothing for me to be depressed about, only frustrates me and perhaps pushes me further into depression.  I’m afraid no one will want to be around me, but I don’t really want to be around anyone but Daniel.  I feel safe with him. 

I cry all the time.  I take things that are said to me wrong.  I feel very raw.  I’m on the verge of tears right now.  I’m in class, but only in body.  I’m here because I have to be.  I’m in class but I am not listening.  I’m here because so many people believe in me.  I don’t know where my self confidence has gone.  But it’s gone.  I just got an internship at the public defender’s office and I don’t want to ruin this opportunity. 

Somewhere the logic is still stronger than the depression.  I believe some of that is the fact that I’m exercising pretty regularly.  I’m exercising between 3 and 5 hours a week and not losing any weight.  I feel like if I let it go (as in stop worrying about losing weight) I’m just giving up.

I feel like everything is out of control.  I’m in class 4 nights a week and I feel like I never see my son.  I’m behind in the reading for my classes.  I feel completely unorganized.  I don’t have a real schedule and when I try to make one right now, I can’t even focus long enough to stay on schedule.

I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right, reaching any goals or accomplishing anything.  And I know that curling up in bed and hiding isn’t going to really help either. 

I’m holding on to way too much stress and worry.  I’ve had 2 migraines in the last week.  I finally recognized that I have not been able to pull myself out of this and I called my doctor.  She put me back on anti-depressant medication.  It’s been at least 7 years since I was last on meds for this.  It makes me feel weak.  My life isn’t bad.  What the hell is wrong with me? 

The above was free-written.  Put on the page as the thoughts were formed.  It’s all over the place, but so am I right now.

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February 10, 2010 - Posted by | Me |

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