Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Beki strikes back!

Last week I was in the throes of full blown depression. I was feeling like a complete failure in my inability to lose weight. That led to emotional overeating. I have been compulsive to the point where my body isn’t responding even when I am eating well. This feeling of failure seeped into other areas of my life. I have been totally unable to focus on my law school study requirements. I feel overwhelmed by my class schedule, and being behind on my reading just made me feel even more overwhelmed and like a failure.

Negative thinking gets negative results. I felt overwhelmed and like a failure and therefore was unable to get a grasp on anything.

I finally called my doctor and was prescribed Paxil. I’ve been on Paxil before, but it’s been at least 10 years. Within 3 days of starting the meds, I felt like I was in a complete fog. I slept all day. I didn’t want to go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunny weather. I felt completely disconnected and unable to talk to anyone. I was beyond exhausted. After 9 days on Paxil, I couldn’t take the side effects anymore and cut my dose in half (if you know about Paxil, you know you can’t just stop taking it, you MUST wean yourself). So Sunday night I cut my dose in half, and Monday morning I felt like myself again!

I had energy! I wanted to exercise! Daniel and I went on a 14.79 mile bike ride. I was exhausted after, but I am sure it was because we hadn’t ridden in about 3 weeks. And, I wasn’t exhausted for long! We barbequed and I made some important decisions about what I need to do with myself.

First – Be kind to myself. Good grief, why do I have to remind myself of this? Seriously.

Second – make a list of everything I want or need to get done. Make a goal to cross off one thing every day. More is okay, but no beating up myself. (Refer to prior decision.)

Third – Make a schedule of my week. Include class schedule, volunteer time in my son’s classroom, intern schedule at PD’s office, workout time. Fill in times for studying and rest and play. This was so helpful for me! I entered all of this into Microsoft Office calendar, and I can see an entire week at a time. Just feeling more organized makes me feel less overwhelmed.

Fourth – Track food and exercise on Daily Burn. Weigh-in. NO JUDGMENT of self for the number on the scale. (refer to decision #1). I weighed in at 144.6 on Tuesday 2/16/10. I am down 12 pounds since the beginning of November 2009. It’s loss at a snail’s pace, but it’s loss!

So, I’m getting back on track! I feel so much more accomplished and hopeful this week as opposed to last week. I am going to get back to my weekly check-in blogs also. They were triathlon training blogs before, but as I change, so will my blogs, right?

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February 17, 2010 - Posted by | Me, Weight Loss | , , , , , ,

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