Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Letter to my daughter

This is a very difficult letter for me to write. It requires no response from you.

I can have no further contact with you until you are clean, sober and are in counseling. The next communication from you needs to be a phone call. No email. No text.

You have used me and manipulated me and lied to me repeatedly. I have never done anything to be treated so poorly. I do not deserve to be treated this way and starting now, will not tolerate it from you.

I know you think I’ve failed you. Believe it or not, I made choices that at the time I believed were in your best interest. In looking back, some choices were not the best. However, life cannot be lived with regrets, nor can it be lived with should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. You can be upset, angry and whatever else you are feeling about me as a mother, but you are now an adult and the path your life takes is 100% your responsibility. There comes a time where you have to accept that your parents did the best they could with the tools they had at their disposal at that time, believe that they love you unconditionally, and forgive. It’s not easy. I know from personal experience with my own mother. You are your experiences. They can make you stronger, and you can learn from them. If you choose to. If you choose to look in the mirror for where your life is and stop blaming and pointing the finger at others.

You came to me and told me you didn’t want to live with your dad anymore. I told you of course you could come and live with me, at the end of the school year. I re-arranged my small 2 bedroom apartment and welcomed you. When you got drunk and your father brought you to my house before the end of the year, even though I didn’t approve of your behavior, I believed you when you told me you would not do that again. I found out later that you lied to me on a daily basis those few months you lived with me. I defended you to Shelby’s father, when in reality you had been doing exactly as he had accused. And then there was the shoplifting incident and your subsequent move back to your dad’s house.

You came to me and pleaded with me for a cell phone. We talked about how you had burned me in the past with cell phones and how I was reluctant. You told me you had a job and you would pay me back. I believed you and put it on my credit card. You promised to make the monthly $15 payments. You made one payment. Then a few months later you came to me upset because you needed clothes for a new job. I took a cash advance on the credit card. Still you made no payments.

While I was holding the medical payment money from your accident, you again came to me about needing clothes for work, and promised to pay me back if the med pay money couldn’t be used. You promised to pay that back in 2 weeks with your first paycheck. You did not keep that promise either. And still there were no payments on the credit card.

You came to me telling me no one would listen to you about how you wanted your settlement structured, I listened. I believed you when you said you wanted to go to college and become a nurse. I believed you when you told me you did research about the higher need for nurses in New York. I advocated for you with the lawyer and against your dad and grandma for you to get your settlement structured the way you wanted it.

You promised to pay back the $800 you borrowed from me for the cell phone and clothes, as soon as your disbursement was available to you. You didn’t keep that promise either. I had to hound you to get you to pay that money back that you owed me. I could have actually figured out the interest on the credit card, but I didn’t. Trust me, it would have been much more than $800.

You called me and asked me to co-sign a car for you. I was reluctant because I knew how big a deal this was, putting my credit on the line that I’ve worked so hard to rebuild. You told me you were putting ½ down and wanted to build your credit. It seemed very responsible. You looked me in the eyes and promised me you were keeping the other ½ in a separate bank account so that the payments would get made on time every month. I told you in my car on the way back to my house that if you missed payments, I would come and take the car. You told me you understood that. Your first payment was late. And what did I get for that? Nasty, mean messages from you.

Before your birthday, I took you out to lunch and you told me you hit your boyfriend and you think it’s funny. I do not think abuse is funny.

I typed your name in Google and found out you are selling off your furniture and TV and moving. I also found out you’ve been arrested. I went to the courthouse and found out you are now a convicted felon – possession of cocaine for sale. That rocked me to the core. What a sad thing you’ve done. If you were ever serious about becoming a nurse, you are going to have serious issues ever getting that license now. Since I’ve started interning at the public defender’s office, I’ve heard so many stories of people not being able to get state licenses because of their felony conviction. Contractors, nurses and even a CNA. I’ve even done an expungement for a woman who is about to lose her state job that she’s held for 5 years because the law has changed and now the state won’t allow convicted felons to be care givers. This conviction will affect you for the rest of your life. All I can do is hope that you see the seriousness of having the imposition of your sentence suspended and straighten up. You’ve got a potential 4 years in prison hanging over your head. So sad.

You need to understand that just because I haven’t always done everything you wanted when you wanted it done, that doesn’t make me a bad mother. I’ve always done what I thought was best for you. Now that you are an adult, what’s best for you is no longer for me to decide. What’s left is for me to be your mom and to love you. And I do love you, unconditionally and forever. However, loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean that we have to allow them to treat us so terribly. I choose to no longer allow you treat me so horrendously. It’s so sad that I feel like I have to protect myself against my own daughter. You’ve broken my heart and with each lie and manipulation it gets harder and harder for me to recover.

When you are ready to have an honest, genuine and positive relationship with me, my door is open to you. It is going to take me time to trust you again and as you can see by the slew of lies and manipulative tactics you’ve used, trusting you again is going to be difficult. I do not want any emails from you. I do not want any text messages from you. When you are ready to begin rebuilding our relationship, please call me. Our home number is listed and you have my cell phone number.

I love you,

Momma

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March 8, 2010 - Posted by | Me, Relationships | , , , , ,

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