Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Hello? Motivation… where did you go?

(Warning – there will be foul language throughout this entry. If you are easily offended by such language, please don’t read.)

Wow. I feel like total crap. I worked my ass for the entire month of March to get shredded. Every friggin’ day for 30 days. And I’ve probably gone and fucked it all up in the last 6 days. Damn, I suck.

I gave myself a free day of eating for my birthday. Well, actually I started out tracking, but got told by my friends, that calories don’t count on my birthday. It was an easy sell. (For the record, I do not blame my friends, this is all me.) I wish I had more self control and will power. But I don’t. Why don’t I? Other people do. Where’s mine for fuck’s sake?

So my one free day of eating has now turned into 6. What the fuck? Well for starters, I got sick. I’m probably the only person who can gain freakin’ weight whilst being sick. Hot chocolate and brandy does help with the pain of a sore throat though! Mmm Mmmm Good!

I haven’t worked out since March 30th. I’ve completely blown off my triathlon training schedule. Holy crap. What the hell is my problem? I have a sprint triathlon in 13 fuckin’ days and I’ve still not swam in my wetsuit. I tried it on once. For about 30 seconds. I haven’t swam once in open water.

I’m stressed about finals. Finals in law school is nothing to shove aside. My entire grade is based on these exams. If I fail, I have to retake the entire year. A redo of a year of Constitutional Law? Are you effin’ kidding me? NO THANK YOU!

I feel like I don’t have enough time. I am completely overwhelmed and feel like I’m letting myself down. My plate is so full that I don’t think you can even see that there is a plate underneath all this crap. I just need to get through the next 2 ½ weeks. I’ve accepted that my training is going to have to take a back seat until 4/22 – but it doesn’t have to completely stop. I know that, but I am not sure how to work it in. I was going to get up early this morning, but I didn’t.

I hate feeling overwhelmed. It makes me feel like throwing up my hands and saying “Fuck it all!”

I need a game plan that involves: studying, healthy eating, studying, working out, studying, time with my knight and my son, oh, and studying…

I just need to take that first step…


April 5, 2010 - Posted by | Me, triathlon, Weight Loss | , , ,


  1. Love you Beki! You can do it! I have total and complete faith in you!!!

    Comment by Lindsay | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  2. O.K. First of all, YOU DO NOT SUCK! You don’t! You are just overwhelmed with life right now. That’s completely understandable. Just take a deep breath. Now take another one.

    You can do this. I know you can. So what that you haven’t worked out since March 30th? That doesn’t mean that you can never ever work out again. Take a walk tomorrow. Just a 5 minute stroll to clear your head and focus on what’s important to you.

    Beki, you can do this.

    Comment by Thea @ Im A Drama Mama | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  3. Beki, first off take a deep breath. Stop beating yourself up and come up with a plan butting your pryorites first. Its more important to study, and of course the knight and the son are also very important. You can then fit the rest in. You were great at numbers, crunch them into time. Its not the end of the world if you gain a pound or two, really its ok. What failure can you live with? Better yet what can you put off if you have to? Anyway good luck Beki

    Comment by Sonja Ellis | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  4. Hang in there baby. Getting sick sucks ass… NOT YOU!! We have goals in life and you’ve set a few big ones this year. We make a plan to get through these goals to help guide us. It’s expected that these plans don’t go perfectly as planned. It’s like a law suit settlement, you overshoot it when you ask for a million.. and are happy with 750k! I love you and think you’re doing great! mwaaa

    Comment by Daniel | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  5. I am (as always) filled with love for the people in my life who are supportive of me (even when I bitch and whine).

    Okay – I’m breathing…

    And look at that knight of mine, making law references to cheer me up! LOL (You are truly, in every aspect my knight in shining armor honey! Xoxo)

    I have set some super big goals this year. Two and 1/2 weeks and this hellish semester is O-VER!


    Comment by bekkib73 | April 5, 2010 | Reply

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