Beki's Blog

My life and the journey to self-awareness

Leaving the land of eternal funk

I am tired of complaining. I am tired of writing about being unfocused. And if I’m tired of it, I’m guessing you all must be ten times more tired of reading about it.

I had a very eventful (read stressful) April. I completed my first sprint triathlon and finished my 3rd year law school finals. Since then, I’ve been just twisting in the wind. I’ve got no focus, no direction. And let me tell you, my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee has staged a successful coup, and are almost incessantly and very loudly screaming. Drowning out any glimmer of motivation and positively I try and hold on to.

I’m tired of it and I want the IBSC to shut up and leave town. For good. No more: I’m not good enough, I’m a burden, I’m too weak and I will never get to my goal weight. (That’s just a few of the gems I tell myself.)

I mean, how could anyone say such hateful things to her?

This little girl, she’s so happy and innocent. I could never look at her and tell her she’s an uptight burden whose parents will never be proud of her. Or that she’s fat and will never be good enough. Goodness, look at that face, she’s perfect the way she is.

That she in the picture is me. If I can’t say those negative and hurtful things to me as a little girl, why am I saying them to me now? Two years ago, I had the self-confidence to take some boudoir photos.

I want the confidence THAT girl has! Where did that go? How can I get it back?

Since April 14th, I have gained 4 pounds. This makes me 12-17 lbs away from my goal. (My goal is 125-130.) I can’t remember the last time I really honestly and faithfully journaled my food. Mostly likely that is because I’ve been eating crap. Uncontrollably and with no accountability. I haven’t run since May 8th. That is the day I kicked ass at my very first 10K. The only real exercise I’ve done since then is when I hiked to the top of Yosemite Falls, two weeks ago. That hike opened up a real big can of emotional worms (and yes, emotional worms are much worse than regular worms)! I’ve experienced serious back pain, migraines, and now my TMJ is flaring up. Ahh stress.

I worry about everything. And then I worry about worrying about everything. OMG! Stop the madness! You might remember that at finals time in mid-April I was deeply worried (actually was in tears at the end of the exam) about my Community Property exam grade. I have never felt so completely sure of anything in my life, as I was that I failed this class. Well, I got grades today. Guess what? It was 1 of 3 awesome grades. In fact it was the highest of my 3 grades!

After I told my knight about my grades, I kissed him and told him he was right (again) and I thanked him for believing in me. His response? “Just believe in yourself 1% of what I do and you can do anything.” Yep, that is why he’s my knight…

So…

I think I’m done. I’m done wallowing. I’m done with my extended pity party. I’m done. STFU IBSC. I’m not even going to ask nicely. Just effin’ leave. Get out! You aren’t welcome here anymore!

I’ve committed to the new weight loss challenge at The Sisterhood. My goal is to come within 5 lbs of my weight loss goal by the end of the challenge. Wanna join in? Read all the details here!

I also talked about my own 6 week challenge, which has been postponed 2 weeks because of my sciatica and TMJ issues. No more postponing! My fitness challenge starts Monday, May 30th! (Yes, I know it’s a holiday, but it’s only 30 minutes!) If you want to learn more about my fitness challenge, you can read all about it here!

Lastly – the eating… I am going to start journaling again. I just need to decide if I want to give counting POINTS with Weight Watchers another try, or if I am going to stick with calorie counting. I need to do something.

I don’t want to feel alone.

Is anyone else out there struggling this bad? Is it normal to rebel this much after a major fitness accomplishment? (My sprint triathlon) How do you deal with negativity? Tell me!!!

Advertisements

May 26, 2010 - Posted by | Fitness Challenge, Me, Shrinking Jeans, Weight Loss | , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. You can totally do this, and let me tell you…you’re knight’s armor is shining bright! What an awesome motivator he is!

    Just for today, journal your food. You’re going to do awesome!

    Comment by Thea @ Im A Drama Mama | May 27, 2010 | Reply

  2. Beki,

    I think you underestimate the drain of law school. You just finished finals and (at least for me) its anti-climatic. After all the adrinaline leaves my body after three solid weeks of studying, I get depressed. It is very difficult to pick myself up afterwards. You need rest and to be kind to yourself. There is always time for dieting and stressing about when you last exercised. Please listen to your body and in a month, I promise, you will be back on your game.

    Comment by kat | May 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks Kat! Everything seems so stressful right now. However, it’s going to be a stressful career, so I need to figure out ways to successfully handle stress. Being kind to myself is going to be one of the most important things for me to learn.

      Comment by bekkib73 | May 27, 2010 | Reply

  3. I’m confident you will do great! I just restarted as well. Hopefully we’ll both manage to make considerable progress over the next several weeks.

    Comment by Melissa | May 27, 2010 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: